I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
