i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
