What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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