i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
