I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
