i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
