I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize