You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
