If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
