Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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