the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
