I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
