No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
