Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
