you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
