Girls should come with a carfax report
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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