I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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