I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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