I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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