"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
