The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
