Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
