I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
