He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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