I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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