My hand turned me down
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
