I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
