Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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