i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
