Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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