woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
