I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i think we sleep fucked last night...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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