OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
