The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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