You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
