the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
