I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
