If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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