My room smells like vodka and shame
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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