you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
