Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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