I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
