you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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