i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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