pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
