He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
