How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
