she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need moral support for this bender
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
