Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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