I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
