i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
