just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
