Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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