He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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