Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I cut my penus on the lid.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
