Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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