every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
