Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I forget how to act sober
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